Tuesday, July 21, 2009
STUPID.
FAILURE.
INCAPABLE.
DUMB.
These are the words that I've been thrust upon my face since I've returned back to school after missing in action for 2 whole weeks. I feel like I have to let it out first even before I start studying. Seriously, I really feel stupid now. I returned back to school not knowing what to expect. I'm really lost in lessons, not being able to catch up. Common test results came in and it ain't that good. I got a fail and just average results for the others. I don't understand why my other classmates who are not as serious as I am being able to do so well. I feel so stupid. I put my heart and soul in studying and the results that I get is like shit.
I feel that I can't even catch up in time for the end of semester exams in like 3 weeks? This is so demoralizing. And it doesn't help when there are people calling you stupid and incapable. It sucks being in my situation. Got hospitalised and all good that has befallen me is struggling through my god damn lessons! People don't realise that the words they use hurts me although I may seem ignorant towards it and even laugh together with them. I'm just so disappointed. Nobody understands me. Nobody. I thought you understood how I'm feeling and what I'm going through but sometimes you take too long or even never realise it. I'm all alone.
I've thought that when we were in secondary school, we knew exactly where we wanna go, what we wanna be. But all we see is the end of that journey. We fail to see and overlook the process of that journey. We may say that we know what we have to go through the journey or how is it like to achieve it. But we don't really know what is there in store for us and we fail to prepare. We fail when thrust upon the responsibility to choose your path, to decide for your own future. Leaving secondary school means leaving your fantasy and stepping into the real world. Nobody will ever give you a second chance to prove yourself. Nobody will ever be so nice to you and offering you a hand. And now I've felt that I've failed to prepare well for the course of my life and I'm not ready for the real world.
The constant pressure, expectations from different individuals is the reason to my downfall. I've been struggling to please at the expense of my own happiness. Sometimes I've wondered why did I even recover? I'm at the lowest point of my life now with everything seems to be exactly the opposite to what I imagined it was supposed to be. My self-esteem and confidence had been crushed unknowingly by different individuals that I don't wish to name and its hard for me to recover from it. I don't know how long more can I last...I need you..."Crushed at the hands of the very people that I care and love..."
9:47 PM
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
HELLO!(:Okay so far since the last time I've updated, there were a lot of things that happened. Firstly, me, hassan and jem went to IKEA after making our jerseys at queensway. I know you guys must be wondering what the hell are we doing there. CAM-WHORING. HAHAHA. Yes I know its damn gay but we were bored then. Did stupid poses. Recently I just had an important surgery at my abdomen area. That weekend before school reopens, I had appendicits. I was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night and only had my appendix removed the next morning. I tell you the pain was horrible. From the start till the end. It was so painful that i was injected with morphine lots of time. You just have to go through it to understand the pain. I can't stand, sit and even urinate properly. Now i'm slowly recovering.Yea anyway basically I've been playing soccer a lot, swimming and running long distances. I don't really know where all this inspiration comes from. I just feel like achieving something big in my life. Something that I can feel proud of when i look back at my old days when I'm all wrinkled. Because I realised all my life, I haven't achieved anything that i'm really proud of. I don't know why I feel so miserable. I guess I've been reflecting and thinking a lot. Maybe it's because I'm seeing people around me being successful in what they do. And i envy that. All my life it's all about failure. Failure to meet my parents expectation, failure to even meet my own expectation, failure of words towards my fellow team mates and it just keeps going on and on... I know you guys will say that it's not the destination that's all important but it's the journey. Yes i know that. But that journey just keeps going on and on. And sometimes, the destination is important to open our eyes and see that there is still something to live for, something to thrive for. There's only failure in sight. It's as though i'm blindly chasing a mirage, chasing something i'm never meant to have, to achieve. Yes i envy people who are successful and i want to be successful myself but i don't ever want to claim any kind of fame. This is the main ingredient to the fall of even the most innocent and humble ones. This menace robs off their dignity, pride and self respect. I've been trying so hard all my life to be noticed, but do I even get a chance? No. I just want to make something good out of my life...I'm tired of all this...I don't even know why I'm trying so hard....to get noticed? Dream on. Well all odds are against me and I am afterall a disappointment and failure to the eyes of those who even notice me."Blinded by hopes and dreams..."
11:40 PM
Friday, June 19, 2009
Things that we've been doing lately(:
MR COOKIE!!!
Who is who?hmmm....
When the whole world is against me
When everything's a bliss
cute(;
Well life has been u knw full of deep shits but at the end of the day, there's always something or someone that never fails to cheer you up and put a smile on ur face. Well, poly has been great, meeting new great friends and of course some douche bags with such uniques personalities(though they aren't as gd as the mats.haha). I guess my course is REALLY dry sometimes but overall i think its ok. Been working hard lately. No more joking around. Recently, I've been hearing voices and having weird dreams that totally correspond to each other. They told me to make the change that the world needs. I don't know what it exactly means or how am I suppose to do it but all I know is I have to start working hard and have goals in life. And I need YOU to support me(:Well it's june already and as you guys know, I'm having my mid-semester break now. O'levels are coming pretty quick and its not as if I'm sitting for it. I have three relatives of mine taking the exam this year. Well they shld have no problem doing well i guess.haha. And for my dearest, all the best!(: I know what you're going through and you may think that what you're up against is really demoralising but trust me, it ain't too bad for you compared to me(: I'm not trying to compare our capabilities here...I'm just doing my best to tell you that you are better off than me last year and you have so much potential to do well and I HAVE faith in you. I'll always be there for you(: I know times have been tough for you but hey I know you can do it and you can't give up. I know you won't. Basically, a lot of things have changed. Or even maybe everything has changed. Nothing's the same and I guess nothing last and stays the same. Some people change for the good, while some, for the worst. Oh yes I have seen these people and I personally know them. Well that includes me(: I bid them good luck in all their endeavours. One thing that I've learnt so far this year is that in situations, people change. People can't choose the changes they want to make. The situation that they are in makes these changes for them without even noticing it. Well that's simply sucks and sad.Well I got lots of things to say but there's so little time. Well maybe it's because I'm just lazy.hehe. Will blog again real soon. Bye bye. Tata.
"Unrelenting sorrows brimming the void..."
12:24 AM
Saturday, March 28, 2009
HELLO WORLD.
It's been a while since i M.I.A. ok to summarize everything, I've been doing adam khoo camps, slacking, bowl, pool, lan and just camp back frm NCC camp. well kinda just kpo there only.
Well actually, I've been wanting to blog and post pics of the adam khoo camps that i did. Manjusri stadium was HELL YEA!hahaha. followed by Bukit View Stadium. was ok la overall. i just felt that me n jem didnt get the respect we deserved. I felt we were like treated no more than a senior to them, not a coach. These are two different things which the campers fail to realise. oh well, given the time, its too short for them to realise.hahaha.
Ok, to u ppl who are not familiar with adam khoo, the term STADIUM is actually one of their camp prog names. so yea. lazy to explain in details. damn i cant wait for the upcoming camp. its on this coming thurs but the weird thing is, is a 2D 1N camp. It will be for CHIJ OLN. primary sch if u all dunno.hahaha. well i think it will b fun. i think............haha.
anyway, im damn tired nw......but i think im not gonna slp any sooner coz i've just woke up :D
oh well.....i think gonna make myself a cup of milo.tata!
Ashraf
11:16 PM
Friday, March 6, 2009
LIFE IS SUCH A BORE
The first catch phrase of this post. well shld b the only one.haha. well time has really been moving really slowly. juz cant wait to get my brains working again. still another freaking month to go. much more worse than waiting for christmas(shld've been hari raya)haha. registration still notdone coz they set an appointment date for me which is 11th-13th march. actually i thnk 4 all NP students. then during that period i'll b purchasing my notebook. WOHOO!!!!!!!WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! finally i'll get a notebook for myself. i juz get the feeling that it will breakdwn even before sch starts :X
Aft that i have to book an appointment 4 a colour vision test. a requirement in my course. I wonder why ppl arnd me these few days r getting sick. so weird. i mean its like ytd, i got to knw 3 ppl getting sick at arnd the same time. at night. my sis fell terribly ill, susu's sis too and my grandma's close relative(i think). that's the reason why my parents ill b goin to melaka this weekend. to visit. well im supposed to go but i got my adam khoo training camp this sun. oh speaking of which, im so excited.
Not so la but ok ok. I have to report to the Singapore Vision Farm at 3pm on sun. its a 3 day camp but jem say juz b prepared to stay till wed. haiz....sad. i'll definitely miss my dearest.haha. family n friends too.like duh.
Life has been great but i think it cld have been better. well thats what everbdy will say. i mean if we ever feel that smething was gd, we wld think that it cld have been better. thats what we humans r. nvr satisfied. well its not that its bad but we just have to accept the fact that it just happen for a reason. there's always a meaning behind everything. ok i got nthn else to say...i think i'll either let my mind wander off or continue using the com. oh, n to those ppl out there who likes to budge into my affairs n just have that bad intention, just dont bother coz i dont care what u all say(:
ASHRAF
9:57 PM
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
So hurt...over and over again...
Didn't knew I was a burden to you...
It's okay...
After all...it's for your success...
I understand...
Let me suffer alone...
In silence...
I don't want to bother you...
"Let me cry through the night alone...without your presence..."I just hate it when you're being selfish and saying you're not...I'm sorry...
1:55 AM
